12/18/2021
hey wait when was my last diary entry??? 
... 
oops.
truth be told i had one all prepared a while ago and decided not to post it because by the time i was going to post it it was all outdated lol. it wasn't much anyways, something something halloween and going to visit my fiance for thanksgiving. which i did! seattle is a nice place. i like the trees and rain. and now, my fiance is here with me for christmas and a little more than that. 
ideally he would stay until february for valentine's day, but we might be moving down south all the way to texas... yikes, i don't really know what to think of that. see, texas is hot and humid, and i can't tolerate hot and humid very well. i've always lived in cold and dry places, and i do better with the cold because i have the body mass to tolerate it better coughcough
. but we should be able to get a nicer place, but i'm worried we move all the way down to texas and it turns out he doesn't actually have to go anywhere and can work from home. i would be livid! making us go all the way down there for nothing, sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh. 
anyways, besides my worries about moving (i have so much shit, how will we get it down there? 
) and other anxieties about the future, i've been feeling particularly christmas-y this year. most other years i haven't really felt it, but i guess going around and looking at christmas lights in the nicer parts of town has made me think about it more. when i was a kid, christmas lights were slightly different. maybe a little more simple, not so elaborate. people still have those 3-frame-blinking-animation lights since they're cheap and others just opt for classic yellowy lights, but i was surprised to see pure white and red on one particular house. it made me realize how much nicer it is to see pure white and not that warm-toned color everyone uses (i think its LEDs vs classic bulbs). there's also a few houses around with i have christmas lights myself and i need to hang them, since i use them year-round for nightlights. i tend to avoid using my lamp or ceiling tit light (you know what im talking about, i know you do) since the light is so harsh sometimes (the ceiling boob is especially irritating for some reason) but i think it's doing things to my eyesight. it's getting a lot worse and it sure is noticable... but my mother is also nearsighted. maybe it's just both?
oh, of course i have to talk about pokemon because it's consumed my life again. i've been playing brilliant diamond despite my initial reservations about it. i got both versions for me and my dad but this time instead of pearl i went with diamond since dad wanted to play pearl this time (he played the original diamond version). the guy's been playing pokemon since I was a wee little kid. anyways, the game DOES have some noticable jank here and there, but it's not godawful. i wonder what it was like before the day 1 patches? i wonder if there will be MORE patches. most of my time is spent in the grand underground, i love collecting the statues. i have a good collection going so far. no legendaries yet but maybe soon. i also notice that when i mostly play handheld, the game looks great. it really is pretty. i love the battle backgrounds the most. sometimes shadows from distant trees don't load right but that's how it is... bit of a bummer caitlin and darach aren't around. i only just beat byron and now i'm on my way to snowpoint to check in on barry and get my revenge on candice for spooking me in pokemon masters like 10 times when i tried to roll for emmet. i still have nightmares.
ah, i also want to talk about legends arceus. there was a certain leaker a while ago who posted a lot of tweets hinting at what was in the game, and one in particular has been haunting me day in and day out. apparently, there might be an ancestor for the subway bosses?!?!?!?!? 
they're said to resemble ingo specifically and another supposed leaker with not nearly the same credibility said it was a teenage boy, but i wonder about that... even if it's a girl i'll be losing my mind... either way, it already has me in such a state that i can barely think of much else. this feels like every day after pokemon masters released that i've just been miserably awaiting subway boss content. i still miserably await alts for the subway bosses, especially since i already got both of their EX styles and i gave emmet a candy to 3/5 him (merry christmas emmet my beloved 
). ingo's next but it's going to take forever to get him 3/5... maybe there's going to be reruns by then and i won't need to candy him if i get lucky. i actually got the classic elesa unit with emolga too, which i'm happy about because that's my preferred flavor of electric queen, for as much as i like poofy jacket i feel more familiar with the older design. it's nice that i can have her around. i also got alola grimsley with bisharp but i hope i can get classic cynthia soon, i heard she's really good with ingo and emmet and right now anniversary n is squished between them because i don't have anyone else to put there lmao. the bosses stand around my pokemon center in their EX styles and its very festive, they're so great 
i heard n is going to get a sygna suit soon too, but that's rumors from a datamine or something. datamines tend to happen on the 26th after an update (sometimes before sometimes after) so it's another week or so of waiting around. i hope the monkey's paw isn't curling a finger here, like if the subway bosses get alts, what if they're actually bad?! 
HEAVENS TA BETSY YALL I HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR RIGHT NOW 
~ ☆ ~
10/21/2021
it's about time for another diary entry. so! covid! it went fine. i am almost fully recovered, save for a bit of a strangeness when it comes to taste or smell every once in a great while. but otherwise, i'm pretty much back to my old self again. yep. 
so anyways, this time i have quite a bit of a story to tell. the boxspring of my bed broke. what happened was a... a combination of things. my old boxspring was very tall, and it made getting on my bed slightly difficult. i never flipped it or sat at any other point on my bed and i sit on my bed pretty much all the time due to it just being more comfortable. SO BASICALLY, what happened was that that one specific spot on my bed just dented from constantly being sat on for 5 years in the same spot. the boxspring snapped one day and it was never the same... 
what i ended up with was a massive slope in my bed that almost constantly threatened to make me fall right off it onto the floor. that bitch was like a sarlacc pit. i figured for SUCH a long time it was a memory foam mattress problem and that i needed only to turn it around and then i could easily go back to having a firmer mattress. it wasn't until i took the entire mattress off to flip it did i realize there was this massive "hole" in the approximate shape of my ass. so! i got a low profile boxspring bc it was the only one they immediately had, which means that i'm a little closer to the floor. i was concerned at first because i assumed it would ruin the function of my old bedskirt, but it... actually works out super nice. my bed is flat again and i can't believe the difference it has made on my back, my ribs, my sides. incredible. i sleep like an angel. and my mattress didn't need to get an expensive replacement! i've been thinking about it though. who knows... but honestly so many of my torso-related problems are pretty much gone now. who knew boxsprings were just that important? not me. 
i will admit that in some ways i miss the sarlacc pit because it was a little bit comfortable in a specific position but it was definitely not worth it compared to the flat bed i have now, as was intended when it was first made. my god, flat beds are so important. please always make sure you have a flat bed for the best rest you can get.
anyways... moving on from the sarlacc bed debacle, i've lately been getting super into decorating my room for halloween. 
it's not a lot, i haphazardly covered an ottoman of mine i use for storing my sewing supplies in halloween-like fabric that just covers enough to make it less pink and more orange and black. i also got some pastel halloween decor because it's becoming a thing in recent years, i've noticed. well, lots of decor is starting to come in mainly pink, isn't that odd? 
i think it started with michaels or something and it just like took off from there, but walmart was doing pink christmas decor for a good few years. did the idea come from there? anyways, it feels really good to decorate even in just a little way. i want a whole little place of my own to decorate one day. 
i'm kind of in a hurry to get the fuck out of my current house just because it's starting to drive me a little insane for a multitude of reasons. one big thing i was doing was getting into a very specific subset of videos about office workers in japan (women mainly) living alone and being independant. they cook for themselves, they go to work by themselves, they still have friends and go shopping and stuff, but they basically have full control over a tiny space. easy to manage, freedom, comfy. i suppose that's why i started to believe that, this combined with living with my fiance and the cat in weeks-to-months long stretches of time, i realized i wanted to live in a place of my own that i have more control over. i'm a massive homebody to the point of being a NEET/hikkikomori of sorts except that i still like to go out and go shopping or go to a nice restaurant. come to think of it, i don't know why but i'm definitely not a fan of going out and doing things while trying not to spend money. maybe i got bitter whenever my family would go to the mall but we weren't even allowed in the stores? it's like going to a garden and not even being allowed to make a flower crown of the daisies. it seems so pointless to go somewhere just to "get out of the house" and then come home empty handed. it makes me feel like i'm limited and have less freedom and it sucks!!!!! 
wait i'm going on a tangent here. so here's some pics of my room (the parts that i decorated, click to view the full images).
yes, very bright and pastel, i know. it is haunting. and speaking of my room, though i didn't really show much besides the halloween stuff, i have been looking into expanding all my storage options. i've basically been going wild trying to find a way to store all the crap i keep amassing thanks to being spoiled rotten by my fiance. i don't always go out on a shopping spree and i do tend to limit myself but i also let myself go free when i get the chance (its like three times a year? maybe? when i move in it might be more often) and also i'm pretty picky about the things i buy... even moreso now that hot topic has bested claires when it comes to selection, even if they're kinda cringe sometimes. seriously, hot topic is so powerful now. even spencers has some good shit now. when i was a kid, hot topic was the only place that i ever saw anime stuff and i even bought a naruto headband there (it's been lost to time now...). you kids don't know how good you've got it these days because finding weeb stuff was IMPOSSIBLE. even moreso one piece, which was (for me) babbys first anime/fandom experience. first forum i ever joined was arlong park when i was 13. crazy that these days there's my hero academia here and kpop merch there and ghibli merch this way and that... *shakes my cane angrily* NO IDEA HOW GOOD YOU SPROUTS HAVE IT I TELL YOU 
another thing that was on my mind lately was making something seperate of a diary that's more on the rambling-on-certain-topics side of things. i often have thoughts that i end up wanting to write about that end up not really fitting in the setting of a diary. like contemplations about mental health, how humans as a massive whole are seriously just glorifed hairless apes because of how many things we as a species do that are just SO monkey brain, and... idk video games i guess. a big thing lately is again, the possibility of being autistic. it makes more and more sense when i start to take things i've done in the past and contextualize them as me being on the spectrum. it's pretty haunting honestly. i often wonder if i would have been treated differently if it was clearer sooner that i was autistic. maybe approached with more understanding or maybe even bullied more? i haven't seen the therapist in a while because i need to get some other things sorted out first. and of course i don't want to self-diagnose or anything because that's disrespectful to the medical practice of medicine as a whole (for all i know it could be a severe case of ADHD with the same colors as autism, or fuck me, both) so i'm not going to call myself autistic in any serious way until i really do get diagnosed officially, but the more i consider it being a possibiity the more i feel better about it, and myself. if you're autistic yourself and you're reading this, you're definitely allowed to think i'm some kind of clown because i definitely am. honk honk 
holy SHIT this diary entry is long. i guess i had a lot on my mind. i didn't even mention all the stuff i did with my fiance when he was still hanging out here, we watched van helsing (2004) and it wasn't good but i saw it so much as a kid i sort of became attached to it. it also IS kind of fun to watch and make fun of. the guy who played velkan was like the worst performance in the movie for sure. maybe the accent was really hard to do or something? nothing personal guy, you did your best. personally my favorite part was the masquerade, and my fiance agrees because it was just a lot of fun. love those little bits in movies where it's just heaps and piles of aesthetic. reminds me of the video game called "the dark eye" from the 90s and the whole part with the cask of amontillado. also the bit about mother ginger and her circus in nutcracker and the four realms. when do we get a movie that's entirely just the same energy as the party for bilbo baggins at the start of the fellowship of the ring???? and why are harlequins such a choice aesthetic? would love to go to a fancy circus in europe one day or something lol.
okay, i think that's long enough and i don't know what else to write about. i have to do some chores and pet my cat or something. i'm totally behind on an art thing im doing for october too LMAO. anyways cya, happy halloween in 10 days, okie bueeeueyeeyeyeyeyeyeyeyueruewrer
~ ☆ ~
9/9/2021
today, i have finally turned 27 after believing i was already 27 for a very long time for some reason. it's kind of weird to think that's how old i am and yet there's much of me that hasn't changed. i'm still doing the things i did when i was a teenager, though i'm better with what i do now. and i'm still a massive fucking simp for the subway bosses because time really IS a flat circle. those guys have absolutely DESTROYED my taste in men too, oh my fuck. all it takes is a handsome face, a long coat, and a nice hat and i'm gone bro, i'm gone.
and for my birthday, i got... covid! my whole family did!! 
isn't that just great? i'm pretty peeved about it because i can't taste my chocolate birthday cake my aunt bought me and all the stuff i got from bath and body works is baaaaaasically useless to me now. sort of. i really like the packaging, it's called the "fairytale" collection and i'm sort of obsessed with the aesthetic, not gonna lie. been on a huge vintage kick lately, especially victorian stuff. i blame the great ace attorney for reigniting these old passions of mine... and yes i'm sad to report i'm still a MASSIVE barok van zieks simp. and like i said don't come for me if you havent finished the games, he's a changed man by the end of tgaa2 i SWEAR. at least he better be or i'm going to ground him and he loses his right to ride his bike for a week.
anyways, i mentioned i lost my sense of smell and taste, which i REALLY HOPE COME BACK SOON OH GOD, but otherwise it really is like a persistent flu along with a few episode of shortness of breath. the whole lack-of-taste-and-smell thing is really weird because i can feel the sensation of spearmint gum but it's very bland otherwise. same with this menthol lipgloss i have, i feel the sweetness but not so much the taste of it, and the spices in something i eat are also still there with a familiar burn but not so much a flavor... weird. 
otherwise, i've been trying to keep up with drinking enough water, having honey and tea, taking hot showers, and i notice that my handmade cloth masks are really good for keeping the air i breath in warm and moist enough for me to sleep without waking up with dry nasal passages and/or throat. they're pretty loose masks due to an error on my part (i wasn't really following any patterns that closely...), so i wouldn't wear them in public and i pretty much only wear them at home. my parents are almost sure to also have covid, as well as my brother who apparently got sick first with me following close behind and my mother getting sick after us. oh, and of course my darling fiance, who wanted to be here to spend time with me and now he just watches all of us suffer while he also probably gets infected. but he's been fine the longest out of all of us, even still retaining his sense of taste. i wonder if my great-nephew who only just recently turned a year old is going to get it? mom was babysitting him for a while... 
the worst possible time to get covid! isn't that something? what luck. maybe it's a sort of divine punishment for being smooth brained and also a yumejo. FUCK, even my shower speaker is broken! it just keeps getting BETTER AND BETTER AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
~ ☆ ~
8/16/2021
(checks watch) k its been a month let's do a diary entry
so recently the great ace attorney chronicles HD just released and my bf had streamed the english patch for DGS1 a while before it released. i don't remember when but i believe it was around the time of leaks? not sure. that being said, i've grown very attached to the series. tgaa1 and tgaa2 were both soooooooo good. like yummy... the aesthetic, the music, the setting, the characters, the story. it's just all so delicious. i'm also sorry to report that i am a barok van zieks simp. don't come for me if you haven't played the entire game, i know he's not that great of a person but he's not as bad as one would think... he's also hot as fuck and for that, at least, i am not sorry for at all. he is, for me, what edgeworth just wasn't. the perfect blue-blooded goth husbando...
other than that, i'm going to be with my bf for 3 weeks for my bday!!!! he's coming in the latter half of august and we're probably going to get the chance to go to a state fair and we were promised a chance in a corn maze. i'm excited! i also realized i called him my bf again... obviously it stands for "best fiance". "bear's fiance"? "beetle fiance" there we go i got it 
he's also a huge sweetie and got me a buncha nice things that should be here within the next couple of weeks, but mainly nail polish! not just nail polish... gel polish. i got a kit with a UV lamp and i've got a lot to learn, but i like it SO much more than regular polish. damn, i hated using regular polish for a long time. idk why but it seemed like the polishes i had either got worse or i forgot how to apply properly. not sure. but i'm excited to try the ones i'm getting! i even got a wine red nail polish because i decided fall is going to be a very "wine red" kind of season this year. i LOVE wine red. used to wear a long sleeve shirt that i had to get rid of for being too big in middle school and it was such a nice maroon/red color... miss that sweater. through the new clothes i'm getting, that sweater will live on. like, the spiritual successors...
oh yeah and i'm going to start seeing a therapist soon. later today, actually. it's almost 4 am as of writing and i see him at 1pm LMAOOOO. mainly, i want to find out if i'm autistic. it was and has been something on my mind for a very long time. i hear so many stories of people learning that they have this mental illness or that type of neurodivergence well into their 20s. maybe that will be me? i've always called it stuff like "anxiety and depression" or "undiagnosed adhd". but i do things that other autistic people do and no, while not all autistic people are the same nor is there only one way to be autistic, there's been things other autistic people write about and it makes a lot of sense. shit, there were things the therapist said to me about autistic people that made a lot of sense, too. alarmingly so... i know it isn't a one-and-done type of deal and i might not even have autism, but my goal really ain't to say that i'm autistic. just to figure out what's wrong with me. if i just have adhd, then so be it. i just want an answer for the first time in almost 27 years of my life. i've met the therapist before and he's super nice. the first time i tried to go to a therapist, she wasn't that great... but this guy is different. i feel good about it mostly.
uh well that got pretty deep didn't it. i'm already thinking about van zieks again god help me. this new obsession on top of STILL feeling those shockwaves from ingo and emmet in pokemon masters is going to be the destruction of me... but i welcome it LETS FUCKIN GOOOOOOOOO
~ ☆ ~
7/16/2021
what the hell!? where did the time go!!! one moment im simping hardcore for the subway bosses (rest assured i am still doing so) and the next their event is over tomorrow!! damn!!! i'm really going to miss them but i got the gold medal so i'm content... oh, and of course, that whole thing with the wedding and going to philidephia.
so basically let's rewind to the 4th: it was fucking crazy. like actually. i severely underestimated what that friend of ours was going to do. basically it was a whole 10 minute long thing where he set up a bunch of fireworks and, er, it didn't go wrong! the whole neighborhood was like HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT THIS IS CRAZY and i suppose that next year there must be plans to make it more safe, i.e. closing down the block. dude, i think my friend deadass spent like 10k on fireworks. said he got those mfs online. that's NUTS. oh, as for me and my boyfriend... we got too nervous about being present for it so we missed it. i think it was just too many people, too many kids. someone dropped a firework infront of us and it was one of those really loud ones. shit was like 5 feet away! damn kids. they ruined our fun. we ended up holing ourselves up in the basement playing killer7 and listening to the constant pops of chaos. but i'm fine with that, really... i was able to get ingo and emmet to 2/5 and i got the bronze, gold, and silver medals from their events and i finished the story. i'm satisfied, even if i can't do a thing against emmet and ingo themselves. they're too tough for me... sigh... 
ah, and now i guess i talk about the wedding, huh? well, the entire trip to philly was... like a movie. really!! 
we were in the very historical part, and because it was summer, it was humid and warm but it also rained. for a city it's very green and beautiful. i really had fun, staying in a luxury hotel for a few nights and getting to eat at a really high-class restaurant and then go to that gigantic museum. everyone was nice and i got called out for my dress looking like sweet lolita by who i assume was the bride's friend, but i really looked good and i enjoyed myself. 
everyone had worn these subdued blues, grays, sometimes a red here or there, but my dress? BRIGHT lavender gingham and a pink pastel bolero. people WILL remember me, positive or negative... even if only by outfit. i'm okay with that. those wedding photos are going to be funny as hell, huh. i had a petticoat and everything. but everyone was really nice, the bride and groom were adorable together and the bride was beautiful. she seems really nice, i'd like to talk to her proper one day. she knows what itabags are, which is scary. 
she had em play merry-go-round of life from howls moving castle and they spoke of video games, anime, and even homestuck was mentioned by the bridesmaids during their speech. i guess i know i'm going to have good in-laws lmfao. one of the only downsides was that i was wearing incredibly painful shoes. oh my god them bitches hurt like hell to walk in, but they were cute. 
a maid of honor was also like that, where she was wearing shoes she clearly had trouble wearing because she took them off to dance. i feel you, bridesmaid-san... i feel you. 
oh, of course, i suppose i should make an announcement as well. i'm engaged!!! 
yes, engaged... to my beloved boyfriend of 5 years. 
well, fiance now. not calling him my boyfriend after doing so for so long is going to be strange, isn't it? well, the ring sure is cute. i wanted sapphires because they're my birthstone, and i wanted something that was dainty and wouldn't get snagged on anything or nothing. not a fan of those huge chunky diamonds, y'know? anyways we don't know when the "wedding" is, or if it's a "proper wedding" similar to his brother's. i think he might get heckled by some of his family (who of which we won't tell for a while, considering they all just attended a wedding a week ago and we want to show some respect the bride and groom...) for not having a proper ceremony. but we don't really know many people to invite and we don't want to stress about having to plan it or nothing. it will probably pale in contrast to his brother's wedding. but that's fine by me. a wedding is a wedding. i'll finally be a little wifey and do wife shit like buy scented candles and pet my cat. WAIT... I ALREADY DO THAT WHAT THE FUCK 
~ ☆ ~
6/30/2021
it's about time i write another diary entry so i think i should first start with
THE SUBWAY BOSSES INGO AND EMMET ARE IN POKEMON MASTERS HOLY FUCKKKKK THIS IS NOT A DRILL THIS IS NOOOOT A DRIIIIIIIILLLLLLL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 
I'VE WAITED FOR LIKE 10 YEARS FOR A MOMENT LIKE THIS. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. IT'S JUST TOO EMOTIONAL. but i don't even have the courage to look at footage of them... i don't have pokemon masters but i'm really really really thinking of downloading it and taking ko-fi commissions for subway boss money but my boyfriend told me i'd regret it. maybe i mean i sort of fuckin hate playing that game but INGO AND EMMET THOUGH... I CANT IGNORE THEM. THEY'RE MY BOYS I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. 
i was filled with excitement like a shaken up soda can when i saw the teaser on twitter and then when they were datamined i was losing it, holy fucking shit. COCA COLA ESPUMAAAA. i even logged into twitter to take part in some of the hype for a whole 5 minutes. and the tweet with them has like 30k likes, which dwarfs all of the other pokemon masters account's reveal tweets. oh my god. they're massively popular in japan still and i can't believe it because the western fandom feels dead as shit. i'm just... frothing at the mouth over here AND THE FACT THEY HAVE GREEN AND RED COLORS WHEN 6EX THIS IS SIGNIFICANT TO ME FOR REASONS 
but das a secwet...
uh anyways... besides that... oh yeah remember how i said that when i was getting some really cute shoes i was going to need a miracle to get them here? they came about a week and a half ago! and now the subway bosses are in pokemon masters! THIS WHOLE HALF OF JUNE HAS BEEN ONE MIRACLE AFTER ANOTHER. GOD. I CAN'T CONTAIN MYSELF. THE SHOES ARE CUTE, THE SUBWAY BOSSES ARE CUTE, EMMET TALKS LIKE A BROKEN ROBOT AND INGO IS SO USED TO IT. i could cry. for real. i want to draw my ocs now... oh, that's right! 
art fight is starting tomorrow! i'm hypedddd! i want to draw a lot this year instead of being lazy like last yearrrr!!!!
oh and also, i figured it might be worth mentioning, but something interesting that's happened is that 1. i got my toes done in a pastel pink sparkly color and its very cute but i regret not getting the white angelic glitter holo a little bit and 2. my family bought a fucking massive thing called "the godfather" which is a huge fireworks... i guess... grab bag type of thing? it has a lot. also beer pong i guess? the reason i bring it up is because its fucking HUGE. my brother was standing next to it and it was. it was. LISTEN. HE'S NOT A SMALL GUY, BUT THAT THING MADE HIM LOOK SMALL... this year is going to be totally nuts. i hope we can build a proper mount for the fireworks. mom got hit in the chest in 2019 and i got hit in the foot in 2020. SO LIKE, WHO'S GOING TO GET HIT THIS YEAR AND IS IT GOING TO BE THE BALLS? WATCH OUT BIG BRO
~ ☆ ~
6/16/2021
what is it with only posting a diary like once a month? i gotta get better with being more frequent, maybe... though once a month is perfect for when your life is ultra boring.
that being said, this month has been an outlier because it's totally the calm before the storm. lately, my mom and i have been slowly but surely preparing to have family members here because of a, well, some sort of memorial service? a very beloved family member, my aunt, passed away last year. it was a very sad time, and it's a long story, but basically we plan to scatter her ashes on a lake so a lot of people from mom's side of the family are coming to visit. almost like some huge family reunion... admittedly, i'm a little nervous because i don't do well with crowds of people and i also don't like mom's family all that much. y'know the trope of the "city cousin" and the "country cousin"? i'm the city cousin. 
i also hate having people in my home, makes me feel vunerable. but the OTHER things happenening on top of that are that my brother and i have friends coming from down in our home state coming up for the 4th of july. see, we can fire off fireworks here for a few days and they came here last year and had a BLAST (literally), and that made them want to come back and buy even MORE fireworks. BIGGER fireworks. BETTER fireworks. d-dangerous... fireworks... i'm a little concerned about fireworks after an incident last year where one tipped over, hit me in the foot, ricocheted off my poor shoe and exploded in the yard. thankfully, i DID prevent it from going into the garage where the rest of the fireworks were so thats like, good, and this year i imagine a proper stand will be built to prevent such a thing from happening again. but that kind of soured my experience... i'll probably be around to watch the big mortars go off though because i know our friend and his wife will totally buy some actually crazy ones.
the craziness doesn't even stop there! besides the fact people will pretty much be flooding our home at some point, even if most will stay in hotels they reserved beforehand, MY BOYFRIEND IS ALSO VISITING, TOOOOOOOOOO 
ANDDD we actually have an affair of our own to attend to. he's coming on the 2nd and he's gonna be staying until the 8th, were he and i will fly out to the east because his brother is getting married!! 
i haven't been to a wedding in like YEARS but i wanted to be there because it sounds really fun and cool and i get to meet some of his family. we get to stay in a really nice hotel, too~ i'm excited, not gonna lieeee uhuhuhuhu i even have a totally cute outfit lined up for the event! AND THEN, we come back home and celebrate our 5 year anniversary in mid july! so maybe he'll finally get me a ring... we already agreed to be married it just isn't like OFFICIAL official yet. the only thing that's kinda sorta a bummer is that i had gotten some shoes off amazon for my outfit but they probably aren't going to get here unless some sort of miracle happens... kinda sad. 
is okie tho i got me some backups
anywayyyys i guess i'll be back in a month to give updates on how all that went i'm totally addicted to jimmy johns right now, the ultimate porker is like the real shit and their bread is so fuckin goode oh my GOD. taco bell eat your heart out lol. also our washer broke but it got fixed TODAY so that's real nice. gonna go do laundry okie byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
~ ☆ ~
5/13/2021
wow another diary entry already?! 
i guess i did do something relatively interesting with some of my family recently. near us is this european restaurant, mainly german food, and it was AWESOME. since so much of my family is german by heritage, it was an excellent experience. my aunt and i got free desserts because the waitress broke a glass on our table and got pink lemonade all over us, but we didn't make so much of a fuss about it and were pretty chill which i think she appreciated a whole lot. AND... THEY HAD CREME BRULEE!!!!!!! 
now that's a winner in my book! ever since a place i liked stopped doing that because of the pandemic, i've been so sad. and also, there was something else completely fascinating about the place: the bratwurst. my dad LOVED it so much and said it was the best bratwurst he's had in the states (he lived in europe as a kid for a time). it was super duper tender. we ended up buying some from them and turns out! its from a place down in colorado! if only we knew when we still lived in aurora...!!!! 
i had their schnitzel which was okay, but im super jealous that the spaetzel was actually so much better... i'll get that next time for SURE. wish we could have taken grandpa there. maybe if my dad's brother comes to see us, we can take him, and at night because apparently the place is EVEN COMFIER. fairy lights and stuff. noice. on a day when we aren't babysitting my niece's kid, we should go there again i think... that'd be sooo cool. cuz they had a train museum too and it was cool as hell listening to the steam train. that was a clean, strong whistle. trains are cool.
oh yeah, i did the thing and made a new guestbook. 
but like it sucks because i have NO clue how im supposed to make it not look like complete shit. its pretty jank! but it works! which is nice... i guess........ it's better than relying on a whole seperate website which had me even forgetting the thing existed! like wow! it sucked. soon i plan on updating the about pages AGAIN and i guess maybe i'll finally fiddle around with some other stuff... 
meanwhile, my brother is totally raving about resident evil 8. hes spoiled me on by far the most disturbing enemy in the game (and i'm bitter about it ) but i also feel a little let down because i was expecting something way more... visceral. since the game is new and fresh i'm not gonna be talkin' about it in detail but it's still properly fuckin' gross. i hate it! and my bf is going to stream it for me so thats going to blow for him because i know. I Know... About That. also big titty vampire mommy or whatever. if anything, i'm impressed that the cast of the game seems unique instead of taking itself so seriously. felt like a thing the last few resident evil games have been getting wrong in that everyone looks like a normal person, at least resident evil 4 had a weird short guy with an ego bigger than his gigantic marble robot. i saw a particular scene in the game that actually made me laugh. i think it was the way they animated it but the comedic timing? that was beautiful. even if it might not have been intentional...
uh anyways im starving so i guess i should do something about it instead of continuing to write this lol
~ ☆ ~
5/4/2021
I LIIIIIIIIIIIVE! 
i got super busy last week along with general laziness in the prior month so i haven't updated in a majillion years. that's a million goro majimas. and thats VERY scary.
as i mentioned, i was busy last week because every day i went out and did something with my boyfriend, who was staying here for his BIRTHDAYYYYYYY 
he's 26 now! ain't that great!? we're the same age until september! we did a whole lot to get the most out of his trip, like going to a reptile exhibit and seeing HUGE tortoises and snakes being fed around closing time (pretty morbid but kinda cute... ) as well as some other things like a big-ass centipede. loved that big guy. also a gi-fuckin-GANTIC crocodile named "maniac". mf could eat me in one bite if he tried. then we did other things like take a short trip to the mall (i got a fiber optic lamp, i love it. very 2000s), go to the movie theater to see kong vs godzilla (it was very cool and i wish we could have seen mortal kombat as well) and we went up to the casinos to eat a crab leg buffet. it was p good!! i missed eating crab legs like that. there's a place opening up here that serves their seafood in plastic bags and mom can't WAIT to sink her teeth into those mfs. i hope its good. 
if they're supposedly going to serve it in plastic bags then it has to be the real deal right!? my bf and i also played "it takes two" when we weren't out and about. y'know, the funny divorce game? legit, it was surprisingly fun. i was initially worried it would cause a real divorce b/c i'm a massive brainlet but it was still pretty easy to play, save for a brain fart moment here or there. lot less painful than super mario world 3d co-op... the story was also very sweet, neither the husband or the wife were in the wrong, things just got out of hand and both of them had stuff to work on. very realistic for a game where you actually fucking murder your daughter's favorite stuffed toy. no, i'm not kidding. the toy even begs for you to stop the entire time. it was... HILARIOUSLY dark.
in other news, i got a lot of money recently from a stimmy since i live in the UHMERIKUH and i used a good deal of it on spoiling my bf, not gonna lie. of course i also used it for things like groceries, things my family needs, spoiling my cat, and BATHANDBODYWORKSNOTGONNALIE
thats the real shit that sparks joy. i didn't realize that if given so much money i would just use it to buy. fuckin... BATH SCRUBS. my skin is very soft and i enjoy showering much more now. i don't regret it at all. i smell so good
oh, but of course, the biggest (literally, the most expensive thing) that with the help of my bf, i bought was a NEWWW LAPTOP BAYBEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! 
its got 12 gb ram and runs like butter on a hot pan. it's super yummy. the last one was a whopping 4 gb of ram (flat trumpet sound) to put that into perspective, windows 10 takes up 2gb. my cpu was constantly at 80% whenever i did ANYTHING. the old laptop is going to mommy dearest so she can use it for zoom calls with the family because it has a webcam. my new one is an hp envy and it has a light up keyboard, a fingerprint reader, and a touch screen. LIKE DAMN!!!!! it was a lot more than i expected, that's for sure lol. its even a pretty little silver color~ she's soooo prettyyyy~ 
it was my second attempt at buying a laptop because the first one i tried to get was about the size of a mousepad and didn't have a numpad. what a crock of... oh well. it's fine. this one is even slightly bigger in screen size so drawing should be super fun~ wonder if i should invest in a new tablet, too... who knows when the one i have is going to give up on me. so, let's all give a big "thank you" to my darling bf, for being patient with me and helping me out... i so desperately needed this sweet child. 
THANK YOU KERSIKONNNN. was thinking of naming her "ivy" or something but envy is kind of like, tattoo'd on her face so????? need to buy stickers to put on her. hm.
ah, in other news, i organized my closet yesterday. 
with all the stuff i'd been buying, i of course had to find a way to get it sorted, right? i went and bought some storage bins and stuff, and it worked out perfectly! i got rid of some stuff too, with a few things left to do being checking my old desktop computer for some files i might have left behind before selling it. mom says she plans on a garage sale. that'd be pretty cool, we usually donate our stuff so we don't have to deal with it anymore period... but a garage sale would mean i could possibly replenish some of my lost money. i have about 300 left or so, give or take. maybe ill spend the rest on starbucks dragonfruit refreshers... 
but not actually...
writing this for so long is ABSOLUTELY making my brain melt so i guess my last thought is that i've noticed that since i quit social media, my mental health has been a lot better. i dunno, i think twitter was doing bad things to my anxiety and it was making me scared that i would make one wrong move and everything would be over... now that i've been living under a metamorphical rock in terms of "i don't know shit about anything going on anymore" i feel so much more at peace. if you need a sign to like, delete your twitter (or at least lock it and log out forever) this is it. i feel great. 
i'm sure the rest of everything going well is also making me feel better but i don't feel so nervous, scared, and bitter now that i'm not going on such a poisonous site. ok yeah i think that's it. my brain is shriveled like a prune now
OH BUT ONE MORE THING i have plans to replace things like my guestbook with the html comment box and i might add a love nikki page soon!?!?!??! BUT DON'T HOLD ME ON THAT I'M ONLY THINKING OUT LOUD OKAY BYEEEEEE
~ ☆ ~
4/10/2021
life has been very peaceful and a lot less stressful now that i don't use twitter. i haven't really interacted with a social media website in a while, i usually just go on youtube and watch interesting videos i come across. i like cleaning videos and tiktok cleaning compilations, but i die inside when people just dump a bunch of chemicals into a sink and play with it with their hands... it's your funeral i guess!!!!??? i just want to learn how to clean and watch things become clean without worrying about these absolute MANIACS dumping entire cans of comet and bottles of fabuloso into one sink oh my goddd but it's fine. it's fine. mustard gas doesn't effect me behind a TV screen, after all. 
otherwise i guess with this time away from seeing other people's tweets in general, i have been reflecting about some more not-so-nice things, like how i've never seemed to "fit in" to a fandom community (or any community) and a great deal of the things i did/still kinda do is me trying to please others, i guess. i've gotten to the age of having quite enough of that, i'd think. i just realize that me trying to follow these "rules" via monkey see monkey do is just not doing it for me (i.e. making a carrd with a bunch of info or something. idk i never felt satisfied with that) even if some of these only ever felt like it applied to teenagers?! i'm an adult, i can handle myself on the internet better than a teenager can... i don't need some of these things. 
and yknow it's not really the fact that i don't want to talk to teenagers or that i really ~hate those dang teens~ or anything, it's more like i felt so out of place in fandoms and on social media for the last few years because i myself am no longer a teen. it's a lot like being a preteen sitting at the kids' table at a family gathering. i'm just not on the same wavelength anymore, i guess. i believe last year's diary entries talked about that kind of thing too, where i was never one to like super popular things and what everyone else in a fandom liked. i'm pretty much in my own little bubble, always have been.
well it's not so bad. i've both gotten somewhat used to it (besides lamenting about it sometimes lol) and it's kind of comforting sometimes too. seeking out company that isn't already familiar is harder with age, i think... 
especially when some of the company i've kept previously was. questionable...
OH YEAH AND UH REMEMBER WHEN I SAID I WAS GOING TO ORGANIZE THE SITE? UH... NO. LOL i think im going to put the css files in a seperate folder and leave it at that LMAOOOO. trying to organize everything made my braincells shrink like a worm in the hot summer sun. i guess i still have plans to do some tweaking of some site assets and the like, some buttons and whatnot need to be fixed and im going to make more styles of my site button. and like, literally actually update that button wall to have stuff on it. I HAVENT EVEN MADE MY RESOURCE PAAAAAAAGE AAAAAA 
MOTIVATION RETURN TO MEEEE
~ ☆ ~
3/31/2021
so i've finally decided that i was really gonna do it, i was going to stop using twitter. i saw a video discussing why it was such a cesspit of awfulness and they were right about one thing: teenagers. literally just teenagers. most teenagers will ruin anything by being ignorant, lacking self-awareness, and just in general being obnoxious.
however, i'm not saying it's a bad thing. teenagers are just kind of allowed to be like that, because i was pretty bad when i was a kid too. shit, i don't think i grew out of it fully, there's a lot of things i do that are remnants of my teen years. making fancharacters is definitely one of them, but now my characters are COOL AS FUCK!!!! but i digress. being cringe when you're under the age of 21 is just the way it goes. it's okay. 
that being said, if you're a teenager reading this and you're thinking "wow, you're a really awful adult and i hate you! ", that's just fine. i did just say you kinda suck after all. it seems like adults and teenagers just don't get along, huh? i don't hate teenagers, to be fair, since being a teen in itself sucks a lot too so it's not entirely YOUR fault. that shit is hard!!! you have to deal with school and puberty and god forbid you're neurodivergent like me and many, many others. it sucks! it SUCKS!!! 
i still get mad when kids recount their times in school like i've been there and i've seen that shitty teacher because it's almost exactly the same even YEARs later! i hated my teachers lol. (except for mr. kiss, that dude was pretty damn great because he rewarded kids with FULL SIZED CANDY BARS AW YEAH BABY )
so if i have to give you any friendly but very likely useless adult advice: it's okay to express yourself. 
it's okay to explore things like identity, aesthetics, music, what kind of hobbies you might like, and being bad at literally all of that. you aren't going to grow if you don't stretch out. if someone tries to shame you for being a teenager and being cringe, they're the cringe ones because you're a teenager and that's like, your thing. no matter what you do, you future self WILL find a way to be like "i was stupid lol". and that's a good thing! change is good. and when you grow up, don't let people hang the stupid shit you did over your head, either. that's something people do a lot these days, which is wrong. tf are you going to do about it as an adult, just go back in time and not do that shit? even adults make mistakes, there's not age limit on learning and changing. what happens happens, just make sure it doesn't happen anymore. it's all you can do. GROWTH.
anyways besides that, i decided to redesign/spruce up some old characters that i like a lot. believe it or not, i actually have a newgrounds now (look for it on the link page soon???ish??? 
) which i MIGHT use since i really do crave that good ol' deviantart experience. miss getting comments on art and stuff. it's sad... but on that note, i want to return to tumblr to replace twitter probably. I KNOW I KNOW that's like so fucking dumb but i heard tumblr has been specifically better about the "bad teenager" thing. also i want to spread my art too... also don't expect me to do any of this because im like hilariously bad at drawing art consistently enough to keep an art blog going. i have an artfol too bc i signed up for the beta so i should start using that more. my dusty old instagram is dead and is a-gonna stay that way
lastly i decided to take some nice pictures of my room while the sun was out because it's a nice day and i figured, i'd like to show off how obnoxious my area of existence is. 
maybe you'll find it inspiring? shit i really need a pinterest don't i... i had one but i should get back on that because i've been on amazon making lists for interior decorating on my future home with my bf the kitchen is going to be strawberry themed, by the way. 
maybe i'll get seasonal decorations for it too! i love decorating, feels good. anyways it's time for a good old shower so i'll stop for now 
~ ☆ ~
3/24/2021
once again i find myself having trouble paying attention long enough to write an actual journal entry. that happens a lot, doesn't it? not a whole lot happens in my daily life, except maybe shopping sometimes, huh... still, i do have some things that i do think about from time to time. they're small one-offs like "if you have to take the L, take the L" or "i'm so hungry i could eat the empire or mor ardain".
there was something i realized recently though. my passion for projects come from validation. i drew my pokemon ocs a lot and went ham on their toyhouse profiles when i thought, "i could make a lot of friends if i do this", but then i realized i didn't want to make friends with the people i aimed to please. with my neocities, my burst of inspiration for updating perhaps too came from "i could get attention if i try to update a lot". except this time, it's not so much about being friends with anybody, but trying to get away from social media. specifically twitter, honestly i'm thinking i just need to go back to tumblr and stay there. tumblr... i keep sleeping on that place. i need to stop, since even if it's a little dead, it means most of the shitty people left to use twitter!! now that i realize that more and more it makes me want to at least be able to post my art somewhere others can see it. neocities, it's nice, but i have no idea who's actually seeing me or my art, it feels easy to just slip past without being noticed at all, doesn't it... also i'm probably coming off as pretty desperate right now which isn't going to get people to be friends with me, like, at all... it's an endless mental health struggle sometimes.
besides that, i was going to write before about how i bought really delicious strawberries and i was going to make my usual spring tradition drink i've been on the past few years: fresh strawberry milk. it was a trend going around on the internet for a while where you chop up strawberries, put them in a jar with lots of sugar and a squirt of lemon juice, and let it set in the fridge for a while to make a bright red syrup you can put in milk. i love strawberry milk more than regular milk because i have a MASSIVE sweet tooth, so i've been doing this when strawberries are in season... but before i realized it, i ate all of the strawberries!!! they were good though... i hope to buy more very soon.
in terms of the site itself, i was planning on a huge rearrangement behind-the-scenes where i put everything into folders because right now its just... it's such a state. yeah, i need to do it when the site is still relatively small and assets are easy to move. that should be soon when i finally rewrite the code, so if something breaks, just like, let it happen. it'll be fixed soon... ish.
until then i'm going to go back to my character design mission on creating the most attractive man (in my tastes) imaginable and so far i'm roughly 70% there. the most important thing i've learned: he has to be handsome and manly, but the longer his overcoat and the more depressed and gentlemanly he is, the better.
~ ☆ ~
3/17/2021
happy st patricks day! i guess. i painted my nails mint green lol i was told it looked like chocomint ice cream without the chocolate chips
WOW this website sure is shaping up into something unique, isn't it?! it was pretty bland and barebones before. amazing that just some assets would make it "pop". maybe someday i'll put some crazy code somewhere or do that one thing i planned on doing with a page dedicated to my obsession with plushies... but like, i have a lot of plushies. i estimate around 300! i Do Not fuck around. 
i also need to make some shrines or something, maybe a pokemon page?? i've been trying to study other websites to make my own nicer... like, the outline of the current plan right now is to work on a site map and to fix some code. i'm sad to say i've been using the "P" tags instead of "BR" to make line breaks. pathetic. but once i clean up that code we'll be just fine, and the code will look pretty too~
oh, but also, i have my neocities profile set up so people can like follow or comment on it or something. i'll be putting that in the links page later, can't believe i wasn't doing it before! no wonder i got no interaction. what on EARTH was i thinking (i say while i don't interact with others )
otherwise nothing much has happened irl, went to a doctor appointment and i guess i have vertigo. soon i plan on going to a chiropractor for some adjustments and all that, which is something i haven't done in a while. mom says it makes you heal from surgery better (not that im getting surgery anytime soon). i was told vertigo is caused by a misalignment of "crystals" in the ear canal and i'm like COOL AM I A BLADE FROM XENOBLADE 2? it's a game i've been watching my bf play, while he grinds for stuff and does menial side quests i'm pretty much working on the website and it's assets. morags character design activates serotonin the same way soy sauce activates a dead octopus' legs... she looks like she should be on the battle subway LOL old obsessions really do die hard sometimes huh...
oh also i found VANILLA COKE in cans and that was exciting, they've been somewhat rare (bottles are still avaliable in most gas stations tho) but i guess they're making a comeback. i'm thankful for that since i love vanilla coke a lot~ i want to drink it slowwwwly though. its gonna last me a mujillion years maybe. no, not that long, that's stupid. i have to keep it a secret from my brother, or he's gonna mooch it off of me!!
anyways i'm gonna go on and continue dicking around with the site a little more, working on the code and assets and stuff. when am i gonna burn out, i wonder? who knows! but maybe people are looking at my site a little more, huh... well, this is puru, signing off for now! 
~ ☆ ~
3/11/2021
wow, a whole 2 months without an entry, huh? i have a hard time writing diary entries because i guess i'm so used to leaving a tweet on twitter and just having those short-lived fleeting thoughts. not fleets though... those are dumb lol. i sometimes write entries and give up part-way through because i got distracted and didn't feel like it was entry-worthy anyways.
so basically what i've been thinking about lately is focusing on this site because i recently got my hands on some helpful "old-school style" coding tools thanks to some neocities surfing. i'm also using notepad++ now which is great actually, it's a bit weird but i hope i can get used to it. updating the site has always been hard because i'm never quite sure what i'm doing, so its a bit intimidating. do you know HOW long ive been trying to get a sidebar working for better navigation?! SOMEBODY HELP MEEEE
specifically, for the most part, the reason i wanted to be on here more often is because recently twitter has been a headache. i go there still, but i lay real low. i don't have any other interesting places to be, so twitter is sort of my main source of internet amusement. that being said, as of writing a scary new thing has popped up called "NFT art theft" or something where some random guy can take your art and make it a NFT (non-fungible token). not only does it seem to be damaging the environment, it's supposedly irreversable art theft, and it's so scary that i no longer want to use ANY social media until it goes away or gets resolved. being an artist on the internet is hard, but it's gotten so much worse. i won't be posting art here, either... it's too scary. i've privated my twitter for now, and i'm wondering what to do with my other sites where i have posted art. nothing i can do about really old stuff, i guess... might need to make my tumblr password protected or something. how sad. 
well, as for life going-ons, i somewhat recently went on a roadtrip. 
i know, right? a whole roadtrip in the middle of a pandemic?? well, it was actually not that bad. being careful, i always had a mask, i always had hand sanitizer, and i was always sure to keep away from people. my mom and i were going out east to help my boyfriend move out of his place. we had a good time, the hotel room we were in was the closest ive ever been to luxury. bathroom was HUUUUGE, had a bathtub and a standing shower seperately. it was so nice they didnt have those ultra-stealable shampoo and conditioner bottles, instead it was a brand name in pumps locked into place by a fancy mechanism. no stealing!!! it was also pretty high up so that was neat. i got a bathbomb from lush for the first time and used it in the bathtub. 
i was melting in the leather chair when i was done, barely had the energy to move. the bathtubs here are wayyy too small for baths, very narrow, so i don't get the chance for baths like... ever.
saying goodbye to the place was sad, since it was a city and had a lot of cool things. i'm used to living a life where "cool things" is not the norm. growing up in the midwest where it was kind of dead and we were kind of poor makes me easily amazed by a lot of things. i get surprised when i learn that there's things to do where i had grown up... but i'll tell you what, i won't miss the city since it kind of blows and also recent events... ah.
anyways i guess i'll sign off on this entry by trying to promise to finally do something about those empty pages that have been sitting. trying to keep track of things that make me nostalgic, also i plan on refining my about pages and adding more to my boyfriend's page and whatnot. i'll have to pay attention to other neocities and learn what i like the most, so that way i can make it look really nice~ wish me luck i guess lmao
~ ☆ ~
1/5/2021
i'm so bad with writing diaries at better times, like i missed xmas entirely and even new years! i guess its cause i dont have a lot to say. 2020 was... a lot. it was also when i began my endeavor into making my own website. there's a lot of things i want to do with it still, especially when i become so antisocial i just want to come here and drown in aesthetic lol. i come to neocities when i'm at my loneliest it seems. i guess its because using twitter is a lot more convenient.
so anyways, christmas! it was okay. nothing happened. not really. i didn't recieve anything the day OF but i consider some sanrio-related things from the sanrio site to be my christmas gift from my bf since it was a black friday sale thing. i got the cutest cotton pad container and a new spinning pen holder! and a cute thermos, all little twin stars of course. and my mom got teeny tiny fridges for both cars for when we go on road trips and stuff, they're both the cocacola designs.
new years was whatever. family is visiting in hopes of finding a house to buy here and until then i guess they're staying here with us. i don't know how long they'll be here though. there's a little girl with em, my cousin's kid, she's a curious and smart one. likes stuffed animals and dinosaurs, and is amazed that i have so many. i really ought to show them off here sometime haha
other than that, my laptop has been SUPER annoying. like, it bluescreened a few times on me and now it won't update and the touchpad lost its functionalities (it works but its wonky) and the computer tells me nothing is wrong. its a hunk of junk anyways in comparison to something better, and its just my first laptop that was a gift from my grandfather, but i would still like to get something better. this one has like a 4gb ram which is pretty sad honestly... not enough for even basic gaming it seems like. hopefully i can at least get the touchpad back to normal, even if it won't update anymore... shitty way to start the year, thats for sure!
just because the year starts bad doesn't mean it'll end that way, since 2020 was pretty good at first and we all know how that went. for me it was kind of okay but lets just hope 2021 is better in a lot of ways...
~ ☆ ~
