SHEESH ITS BEEN A THOUSAND YEARS SINCE I'VE WRITTEN A DIARY ENTRY. see, i havent really had much to talk about, so its hard to make a diary entry. we don't really do anything since we're trying to socially distance and quarantine or whatever, so my bf and i are just staying home and vibing i guess. well, sometimes i go shopping with mom but otherwise things are pretty quiet... i guess maybe i should write about something that just comes to my head?

lately ive been thinking about the stereotypical suburban old lady lifestyle of like, shopping at department stores and malls instead of walmart. all my life ive really only known walmart, with the formerly mentioned "fancier" stores being more of a once-a-year trip and even then not even getting anything. but lately ive been able to go, at least before coronavirus hit. its so much better than going to walmart, honestly... even target is better than walmart though, but my mom has some weird personal hangup and also thinks its more expensive. to live a life where money isnt such a concern would be great, huh. not even being filthy rich, just... good.

maybe that's why i plan to never have kids, that and babies freak me out a lot. newborns are horrifying for some reason, i think i've watched way too many horror movies where freshly hatched/birthed monsters are a thing. i mean, newborn animals in general are pretty horrifying since sometimes it looks like they need to be put back in for another week LMFAO. yeah, i definitely just don't like kids at all... but i won't be a dick to them on purpose, that's just not cool. be nice, to everyone! or like, just ignore them otherwise

gee maybe i should let my mind wander more often. its a bit therapeutic. but as for updating the website itself besides all those behind-the-scene changes that don't update any cool pages or whatever, i should make a to-do list and make it a project for when my bf is with his family for a while and i get realllly boooored. i'm gonna be lonely, but he'll come back soon... anyways, thats enough, maybe i'll finally update the calming page or something. i dunno.


wow its been a while huh lol. my birthday was the last time i wrote, and it went fine? it was a month ago and i had cake and all that good stuff, got taken out to dinner and got to go get stuff at bath and body works/white barn. it was nice! did you know that my favorite scents from there are sweet pea and sweater weather? i mean i only just found out abt sweater weather so yea lol

anyways lately ive been REALLY into my ocs, like moreso than usual. been doing OC-tober and ive also silently wormed my way into yumejoshi territory, in a sense, and found a bunch of cool ocs. and im like, i have a toyhouse so i should be using it and all that junk, so i think im gonna!! and i HAVE BEEN. but like, the loneliness problems comes up again where i dont feel like im supposed to be in a community yknow??? its anxiety talkin but im like oh no what if it all goes super bad. also the anonymity isnt there and i dont wanna be exposed as a grimy lil cretin lol. im assuming people reading this already got their suspicions about my dumbassery already since i keep using the term yumejoshi... i dunno. i just enjoy writing my ocs i guess, even if i beat myself up about it. weird.

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today's the day! the day i turn 26! there goes my neat 1/4th age i guess. as of writing this, its only about a few minutes into midnight, so who knows what my day is going to be like?

here's some cool fun facts though: my birthday falls on the same date as the north american release date of my very first gaming console: the sega dreamcast! at least, my first gaming console that belonged solely to me (heh. (con)solely. hahaha.) it's also national teddy bear day! i really do love teddy bears, so it's obviously fate. if you make a teddy bear character make sure to make their birthday today, right? lol

mom said she would take me to the mall and we would go to bath and body works. i don't use bath stuff so i guess i'll get like, a nice lotion. maybe white barn right beside it has a nice candle. the reason i don't take baths if kind of because... our tubs are very small. i hope i can one day live in a house with a big big tub so i can take baths, i haven't really done so in a long time.

did you know my favorite kind of cake is yellow/white/confetti cake with white frosting? i like the stuff they make at the store because the icing is a lot different than stuff you buy in a tub. its nice and fluffy~ its one of those things that i could probably gorge myself on, no matter how many times it makes me sick. i got super sick from a huge abundance of whipped cream on a waffle i got about a month or two ago, and i would still eat it again. it was a cute waffle! it had a flower drawn on it.

.......................yeah i'm sort of weird, i know.

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i've been experiencing something most strange, which either hasn't happened to me in a long time or has never happened to me. most of the things that give me my usual serotonin have... not. i feel hollow about it. like taking a bite of your favorite food and just not really feeling it, yknow? forgetting what you liked about it, i guess. i hope this is temporary, maybe just from a shock to my system from some so-so incident that happened a while ago. bummer.

in other news i've fixed my sleep schedule...? i dont know how but i just fall asleep at like 10pm-2am now. its pretty nice, i like sleeping at night. feels a bit more motivating to be awake to see more daylight. i used to hate the idea because all i could think of when i was awake early in the day was how tired i was, mostly because i wasnt getting enough sleep. its also nice because theres more of an open window to actually do things, since stuff around here closes super early. no night life in the slightest whatsoever lol.

oh, and soon, i should be getting a sewing machine! and "soon" means we ordered it a few days ago but it wont be here until december! i hope that its just a huge estimate to cover their butts when it doesnt get here in 2 weeks, but with covid shipping you just never know... at this point i just want to get one from a physical store!! sheesh! we'll see, i guess... makes me wonder how awful it would be to order a bunch a stuff from aliexpress.

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today i saw a twitter post describing what was wrong with so-called "cancel culture". the biggest thing was that it was bad for people with mental illnesses. specifically, a lot of people with anxiety, autism, depression, etc. were in the replies discussing their worries about being seen as bad for simply being a little misguided, either recently without noticing it or something they did years ago.

i was misguided once, too. i grew up in the era of the internet that wasn't necessarily "flash animations of president bush murdering osama bin laden" offensive, but i still remember the "surprise buttsecks" sort of humor where it was normalized. i also didnt really live in a home that was entirely PC, so i simply didn't learn some things. i also didn't really hang around the right people, which ended up getting me stuck in some bad situations, too. really bad... in a way i appreciate this sort of uprising of a "puritan sex is bad and adults shouldnt talk to minors" culture because it's made me more careful about the way i browse the internet. more and more people younger than me by even a decade are browsing the internet now, so i have to be mindful about the way i post things, even if i tell minors here on neocities or on my private twitter to go away lol

another thing i thought was interesting was the idea that the victim must always be believed, no matter what. this is important, but the issue arises that this sort of guarantee of protection from abusers/bullies/etc is misbused by people who aren't actually the victims. it doesnt take much for a toxic ex or a friend thats been bitterly cut off to make a post playing the other party as the bad guy to get their followers and those that retweet those posts to dogpile them. if you dont fully know everything about the situation, its easy to get fooled. i've been had once before and i still feel foolish about it. my word of advice to you is to read into cancel posts that you see, and take everything on the internet with just a grain of salt. don't get fooled!

its good to hold people accountable for what they do, especially if they don't change or still exhibit bullshit behavoir no matter what. but don't forget that people can change and they change all the time, and also there's a lot of factors in the way they act. and yes, this goes for big names like celebrities too. sometimes, there doesnt need to be a big callout post for a post on a blog where they said a slur once, sometimes you can just ask them directly and you might just find them to be a whole different person who's more than willing to sort things out privately. as scary as dming a person can be, it can produce a better outcome too.

moral of the story here is to be kind, be wary, and be thoughtful about the things you do on the internet. and dont forget to learn and grow from everything that happens.

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so lately i've been acting out on my art passions. that is to say, i've finally got my hands on things like paint, sealant, clay, and the like. i've been thinking of things to make, of what i could take and customize, etc. i know a lot because i watch a lot of crafting stuff on youtube, so i retained all the information i learned from there. i also have a lot more beads i can play with so i plan on making some real cute bracelets soon, which is something that i do often. my favorite kinds of beads to work with are star-shaped and heart-shaped beads~

also is it just me or does it feel like people are like super duper ready for summer to just fuck off already? that is to say, i'm going through my yearly phase where i CRAVE fall really really bad. i want to consume media and fantasize about a corn maze or a harvest festival in a small idyllic countryside. one way i get my fill is browsing mori girl blogs, but because mori girl essentially died out years ago (i'm technically lying, its just called cottagecore now), i have a harder time finding that kind of thing on tumblr (which i no longer use). so, i look at wallpapers. wallpapers are perfectly atmospheric aren't they? i have a collection but its a bit weak. i wonder if there's a movie i can watch that has the entire vibe of the hobbit celebration from lord of the rings: fellowship of the ring. that would be great... also not to mention i'm already dying for halloween content, my god.

on a more somber note i've been thinking about how i endlessly perpetuate a cycle in that i love something, but do not express it, which essentially kills my interest. or maybe i have other things occupying my mind right now? yknow, like my own ocs and art fight and toyhouse and whatever. the problem is that i love bloodborne and sekiro, but i don't play these games, so i feel i don't have the right to talk about it. but at least with pokemon i can talk about like, gym leader kabu right? wrong im too cringe so i can't do that either. also the pokemon fandom is just ungodly, if youve been on the internet in the last year you'll understand why. fandoms as a whole are a problem for me now but that's something i've already discussed to death and don't want to repeat myself on haha.

anyways as nice as it is to type up a big long diary entry without having to break it up into tweets in a single thread, i think that's enough for today. i'm going to make some nice clay things and think about how starved i am for autumn aesthetics.

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everything i had learned about css and html has essentially evaporated and now i have no idea how to make my website look good at all. is it bad to copy code from other website or is that just how the wilds of the internet like 20 years ago just was? doubt it. i'll make things better eventually now that i'm back in my "god i miss the old internet" mood again. also social media is painful...

i really need to figure out a good way to put art on my neocities too, i just have... not the slightest clue on what kind of layout i want. coding is cursed af

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ohh, i havent updated in a while. its hard to find things to say, especially when i dont like writing about negative stuff on the internet, personal or otherwise. well the good news is that i got my bf living with me and my family for a while. even his cat is here! i hope that the dog can get used to him, or vice versa. things have been going smoothly otherwise. cat has a sort of cyst on his ear that looks harmless but we'll take him to the vet soon to get it looked at. i watch my bf play xenoblade chronicles while i draw or watch shitty youtube videos. its real comfy. and its extra cool cuz i got a cute little minifridge in my bedroom. now we can have cold drinks whenever we want! very nice. i wonder what other things i can put in it... like, sandwiches? i fear i may never leave my room if that happens. i just hope the table i got for it arrives, little things been stuck in the city that i used to live in. ironic! if i were still living there id have it by now, but in a shitty small house...

anyways... i dont got much else to report, but i hope everyone is doing okay, please dont forget to take care of yourselves and one another. stay safe, everybody!

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today especially, i feel so old. even though im really only in my mid 20s its a bit harrowing to think about how i still have these old habits from fandom days (making ocs, being deeply invested emotionally in certain characters, making jokes, etc) but now i have no courage like before to share it online. the environment of fandoms is so different now and full of people i share nothing in common with. honestly, i never have. even as a 13 year old when i told a friend "oh, i dont really like (thing thats widely popular in fandoms)", she said to me "that's so shocking i dont know if i want to be your friend anymore". we spoke for a while afterwards but things did feel different after that. i think about that and how out of place i've been, i suppose. or otherwise im just super shitty at finding those little niches and clinging to them for dear life like a small barnacle! when the internet was smaller it was easier.

actually i might be part of the problem. folks like me must be hiding in their shells so we cant find eachother. are we all just barnacles???

but at least in a shell, it's safe, isn't it?

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seems like these days people are basically bound to the internet more than ever. in that sense the internet has become more grating than it was before. or have i been using it too long? either way it makes me think about how i can't let myself make friends anymore, i have some but not the way i did when i was a kid. is it because i've been infected with this idea that nobody would like, let alone care, about what i like? my interests are and always have been so self-centered haha. it's pretty isolating but i've resigned myself to my fate i guess.

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i guess at some point i have to write a diary, don't i? lol. neocities so far as been pretty fun but i feel like i have trouble trying to make my site interesting, maybe if i just start filling it up it won't matter? one thing i considered doing was fixing my room up a little bit and just posting a bunch of pictures of it. i really like the way my room looks, and honestly ive always kind of wanted to show it off. maybe after i complete the plushie page? i wanna FLEX

on a somber note: the world is still in its little lockdown over coronavirus/covid-19, and everyone's feeling isolated. i'm a lonely person already from being forced to adapt to being ostracized eventually turning into a natural inclination to rely on myself for entertainment, but there is something about it that makes everything a little more.. "empty". my first month or so spent during lockdown was entirely on my own but i felt it more peaceful than anything. then my family came back and things got easier but i miss being able to mess around in the kitchen on my own to bake a cake lmao. mom loves leaving stuff all over the counter and then coming into the kitchen when i'm busy, so i can't get any sort of peace! pain in the ass, i tell you. at least i can watch videos and talk to my darling dearest (whenever he's actually awake). the discord server i spend a lot of time in is cool too, but i wish i could find a place where talking about sanrio and love nikki doesn't just get an awkward silence... maybe one day.

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